Struggle

I struggle with opening myself up, with expressing my inner self for fear of being judged and rejected. I choose to set aside my fear and accept that I am I; a unique, beautiful person, a thinking person with a soul, a person with a voice, and a person with thoughts and feelings to share with the world.

Life!

Despite numerous attempts to control the course of everyday living, from to-do-lists and goal setting, to planners, calendars and endless organizing tools, there are times when life just walks up and with a sweeping blast scatters the best laid plans, replacing them with a new priority, a new direction to run and the overwhelming feeling of no matter how much effort is put forth there isn’t a way to regain control.

All a person can do is cope with each day as it comes until time has smoothed out the bumps and life settles into a new rhythm and the precious moments of time to think and sort and do for oneself stretch into hours and partial days and eventfully full days of normal life restored.

The last four months have been a roller coaster ride of caring for my mom, she was hospitalized in February for pneumonia and COPD exacerbation and has a slow recovery, complicated by lung cancer and kidney disease, and helping my son by providing child care for two of my young granddaughters, at first four days a week starting the end of April and now two days a week.

March was a blur with my world becoming very small and focused, spending most of my time at my mom’s cooking, cleaning and helping with medications along with coordinating with my sister and my mom’s best friend. Just when we seemed to be settling into a rhythm and my mom was doing better; my son asked if he could move in along with his daughters, who would be with him during the week and if I would watch the little ones during the day. Of course I said yes, knowing it would mean even less time to myself and I would be burdening my sister with most of the care for our mother. My sister gladly took charge at my mom’s and I focused on my granddaughters and my son.

Over time life has settled down, my mom, despite some medical set backs, severe acid reflux and multiple adjustments in her medications, seems to be holding her own. My childcare commitment with my granddaughters has dropped to two days a week allowing me the opportunity to catch my breath so to speak and reengage in life beyond my home. I am spending time with my mom again, getting my house back into order after emptying out two bedrooms to make room for their new occupants, one of which was our library and office, moving five tall bookcases of books isn’t an activity I would want to do on a regular basis, enjoying time with the rest of my family and friends, gardening and working on various projects.

I have a full life at the moment and even though there are times when I want to scream and run away I find I am loving it and I am grateful for everyone who has supported and encouraged me over the last few months, from my book club friends to my family and my husband’s family and in particular my sister, my mom’s friend and my husband.

It’s the people around us that make life complete and give meaning to living!